With these thoughts in my mind I have started to think about all the things I believed were wrong that I now feel God may not be that worried about. What if I keep the letter of the law but do not love others? Am I worried about things that are easily just distractions? So, spending time judging others, trying to figure out what is sin and what is not, and making sure I was always as holy as possible, just got me all tied up in knots. As I come to new realizations about who I am in Christ, the most accurate term for my life thus fas is "bound up." Imagine a tight braid of many, many, many threads. There is no way to understand any part separate from the others. So, when a question would sneak into my mind or heart I could not pull it apart and examine it. It was totally bound up in all other parts of what I had been taught and thought I believed. There was no room for doubt or questions. It was too complicated.
So, as my tightly bound braid of threads begins to untangled, I am able to start to look at each one as it is and truly find some peace and rest in casting some aside, discovering some were not important enough to have wrapped up with the others, and that some I do not need to understand. I feel such great peace in not always having the answer. It's ok because I know now without a doubt that loving others and loving my God is what is of most importance.
To those of you who've only felt judgement and condemnation from the church, I want to tell you that the God I have given my life to and love wants nothing more than to lavish you in his love. Although I have doubted many things, God's love for me is not one of them. I want you to know you are loved.
